The Retcon You Didn’t Know You Needed **POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD**

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– HanSpinel

**[POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD]**

Continue reading The Retcon You Didn’t Know You Needed **POTENTIAL SPOILERS AHEAD**

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Rey’s Parents: The Director’s Cut

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 – HanSpinel

Much has been made about the validity (or lack thereof) regarding Rey’s familial “reveal” in The Last Jedi. Recently, we discussed the transcription of The Last Jedi script, made available at the Academy’s Margaret Herrick Library, which indicates Rey is speaking her greatest fear, not necessarily the truth:

Continue reading Rey’s Parents: The Director’s Cut

I Now Pronounce You Mrs. Skywalker: A (Semi-Serious) List Of Candidates to Play Rey’s Mother in Episode IX

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As we approach the middle of the post-TLJ, pre-Episode IX doldrums, it’s time for a little bit of fun, pointless speculation to make the days go by a bit faster. And what better way to do that than to spend several days meticulously compiling a list of all the actresses who could potentially play Rey’s mother in Episode IX? (There are probably better ways, I just chose this one). Below the jump, I explore which of these extremely similar looking British, brunette white ladies (insert beleaguered sigh here) is the best candidate to play the part, ranked in order from to least to most ridiculous. How serious am I about these choices? Not very. Or am I? Who can say. Read on to find out….

Continue reading I Now Pronounce You Mrs. Skywalker: A (Semi-Serious) List Of Candidates to Play Rey’s Mother in Episode IX

Triple Claus is Coming to Town

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You better watch out
You better run
Better hide
I’m telling you why
Triple Claus is coming to town

He’s making a list
And checking it twice
Doesn’t matter if naughty or nice
Triple Claus is coming to town

He’ll kill you when you’re sleeping
He’ll kill you when you’re awake
Doesn’t matter if you’ve been bad or good
So run for goodness sake!

O! You better watch out!
You better run Better hide
I’m telling you why
Triple Claus is coming to town
Triple Claus is coming to town

Mansplaining Porg

Last night on Discord chat, we discussed:

  • the proper pronunciation of “Ocarina” [we were right all along!];
  • how adorable bats are, aside from vampire bats which are butt and also terrifying;
  • the convergent evolution of Australia’s animal kingdom:
    “You like this normal animal? What if it had pockets on its body and poison somewhere?? Fuck you.”
    -Australia
  • how board games Risk and Catan end friendships;
  • curiosity about the frog hippo nuns called “The Caretakers” in The Last Jedi; and
  • the variety of porgs that we are hoping to see in The Last Jedi.

If there are porgs that are black and white and look like cute little penguins, I will die.”

Star Wars Speculation mod u/CartoonWarp didn’t miss a beat, providing a shopped version of the screaming porg we saw in the full TLJ trailer.

And so, with invaluable input from u/shenanakins and u/needs_more_sprinkles, we added a bow-tie.

And then a monocle.

And then a top hat.

Then a lit cigar for his adorable flipper.

And finally, a jaunty mustache.

u/needs_more_sprinkles:
That is a man who would smoke expensive Cuban cigars and tell me my opinions don’t matter.
He’s everything we could have hoped for.
Thank you.

 

And with that, the Mansplaining Porg was born.

Create your own here and share your creations with us on our Tumblr page!

Now if you will excuse me, I need to get back to gatekeeping. Sexistly.

– R F S

Obligatory

A mere two days away from graduating from high school in 1996, I ran–not walked–RAN to opening night of Twister. I emerged from the cineplex gnashing my teeth that I endured every scene and not one fucking time did Helen Hunt exclaim to Bill Paxton or Jamie Gertz, “Right hand, blue!” or see Philip Seymour Hoffman and Alan Ruck locked in a contortionist’s nightmare before falling on the ground cackling with glee. Not once. Just some stupid cow flying through the air, whoopdee woo.

Fast forward 21 years later, and I was delighted that an industry friend invited me to an early screening of Geostorm, starring Gerard Butler as “Guy Trying to Do American Accent Again” and directed by Dean “Also Makes Bad Movies, Not Just My Creative Partner Roland Emmerich” Devlin. Again, what the fuck with this movie. Gerard Butler spent more time in a hoity toity spaceship than he did a car, much less one even MADE by Geo! I mean… don’t misunderstand me, I’m glad that the movie wasn’t called Geometro or Geoprizm or, even worse, Geotracker. But SPOILER ALERT: There are no shitty cars from the 1990s in this film. Like, anywhere. Instead, it’s about weather murder or something.

And NOW, we have Solo: A Star Wars Story. I AM COMING OUT OF MY SKIN with anticipation to see how Ron Howard righted this ship. It’s no secret that Lucasfilm axed Phil Lord & Chris Miller for attempting to make the film all about this cute backstory of some arrogant smuggler person. I’m now waiting with baited breath for Ron Howard’s telling of what exactly it is that the brilliant Donald Glover’s Lando Calrissian will actually be fucking drinking from the crimson nectar-bearer. May 25th can’t come soon enough.

-R F S